Not Me

The title of this post is setting up two somewhat separate topics.  First, I have a hard time accepting compliments.  I feel embarrassed to have someone rave about me because deep down I don’t feel like I deserve such praise; or, when deep down I want to be praised (and, really, who doesn’t want that?), I feel like I am being selfish and prideful.  Learning to accept compliments and words of encouragement is an exercise in grace; it’s an exercise in how we should be treating each other all along if we are truly following Christ.  So, I appreciate my cheerleaders more than words can express, but I’d like to take this space to reflect some of those compliments back to our Creator who truly deserves them.  God gave me the gift of expression in my writing (and lately, the courage to share that in a public forum), but I myself am not an inspiration, rather God is through me.  I am merely human, and therefore prone to all the foibles common to mankind; God’s very nature is life-breathing inspiration, and maybe I have been able to reflect that a tiny bit here.  I know from experience that when we look for inspiration and perfection from other people (or ourselves), we are eventually going to be disappointed, disillusioned, or worse.  So when we see glimpses of those things in each other, thank God for showing us bits and pieces of his beauty in human form: “God with skin on” is how I’ve heard that best described.  I’ve certainly experienced that through your comments, so keep ’em coming, and know that, “I thank my God upon every remembrance of you, always in every prayer of mine making request for you all with joy, for your fellowship in the gospel from this first day until now…” (Philippians 1:3-5 – read the rest of the book for more “God with skin on” ideas/instructions).

The second “Not Me” theme is how I actually feel right now.  We got the last blood test results back yesterday, and the HCG level nosedived (nosedove??) to such a low level that there is no question that the baby is gone.  Since I continued taking the progesterone until we got Monday’s test results back, it will probably take another day or two for the actual miscarriage to start, leaving me in this bizarre limbo land.  I certainly don’t feel pregnant, but I don’t quite feel like we’ve lost the baby yet since my body hasn’t completed the process yet.  It doesn’t feel like it’s happening to me yet.  I know that soon, today or tomorrow, I’ll start feeling the physical pain, and then it will be unavoidably real.  But right now, it doesn’t feel like me.

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