I think I have mentioned before that I am not a patient person; limbo is not a good place for me. I think we humans are hardwired to avoid uncertainty – I am, at least. Today’s blood work is yet another mixed bag that adds up to wait another two days and re-test. My hcg level was 109 today, which is double from the 54 on Thursday. Double sounds good, except that was a four-day span instead two or three, so I really should have been closer to 150. 109 is low, so we have to check it again on Wednesday. Did I mention I’m not a patient person?
If the physical details are too much, skip this paragraph. The physical side without the hcg numbers is still a mixed, though mostly bad news, bag. I have continued to be crampy, and I have been bleeding off and on since Saturday early morning. It has not been very heavy, so it doesn’t signify an unavoidable miscarriage. However, it is not generally harmless spotting, which is pinkish or brownish; this is definitely bleeding. I certainly do not feel very good physically.
This is a terribly frustrating place to be: we still have no idea what’s really happening, I’m still bleeding, and I’m still pregnant. I know I rarely do things the easy way, but it would be nice to have a clear yes or no, which I have only had for the first two days out of the last week. The way my body felt Saturday, I was sure this pregnancy would not last the weekend, yet here we are. I have no idea what to think except that things cannot continue the way they are. Pray that the bleeding will stop for the rest of the pregnancy if it is going to continue. I can deal with the pain of cramping, but the fear that goes with bleeding and spotting is not easily conquered. I know it can be “normal” to spot and/or bleed, but normal isn’t really part of our pregnancy vocabulary, and I can’t handle for much longer the constant fear that the bleeding is causing.
Before you feel tempted to barrage me with instructions to keep hoping and believing – stop. I know that, it doesn’t help for you to say that, and what I really need are prayers and thinking-of-yous. I am frustrated and sad and angry at this situation; I have not given up hope or faith in God. I appreciate more than you can ever know how much you all have supported me, and every comment has bolstered me in some way. I fully trust that God is working here, and some of the beautiful things you all have said and done are the constant proof of his work that I am clinging to right now. Whatever happens in the next few days, I know that this baby and I are loved more than I ever imagined and that God is in control, even when I have no idea what he’s doing. I also know that he has provided for all my needs so far and that he will continue to do so; let’s just pray that doesn’t involve any more bleeding or much more waiting.